Sunday, March 13, 2011

Selfish Prayers

This last week, I've been super sick. More sick than I remember being in a long time. I had what started out as the flu, and has now turned in to a head cold. The head cold, I can deal with. I spent a lot of time in bed, in my room isolating myself from my family so they wouldn't get sick, because in my house, it can spread like wildfire.

Anyway, the same day I came home from work vomiting, my sister was admitted to the hospital for a flare up of her Crohn's disease. I spent a lot of time praying that I could get better. It was killing me, that I couldn't be there for her, or for my mom, who needed the support just as badly as my sister. If not more. I asked my friends on facebook to pray for my sister, send well wishes, positive vibes, whatever they believed in. Just to make her better. In the same week, the massive earth quake hit in Japan, and one of my oldest friends lost her baby of less than a month old to SIDS. The celebration of life was today, and still being sick, I couldn't go. I found myself feeling sorry for "ME" being kept from helping and being there for the ones I love. But it also made me stop to think, if I'm praying for all these things, and all these other people are praying for God to do something, he sure has a lot on his shoulders. Or hers. I won't argue. Some days I feel like I have huge burdens on my shoulders. Like I just can't handle anymore. It will turn in to a pity party for myself. I couldn't imagine being God, and having these kinds of burdens all the time.

I had kind of an awakening, that sure I might have been laying there in my bed, sick, unable to be there, but I could be so much better off. Why should I ask God to make me better, when there are so many people that need his strength right now more than I? I don't have a Chronic Condition, I didn't lose everything I own in an earthquake/tsunami, I didn't just lose my newborn child. I just have a cold.
I found myself asking how I could be so selfish. Then I realized, I wasn't.  I was asking for the strength for me to be well. Not only for me, but for my family, for my friends, and for all those who count on me. It's not selfish to pray for your own health, even when those around you may be suffering. I just wonder how he decides which prayers to answer and which to not answer....

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